In partnership with

“We should just break up then.”

When I heard those words over the phone, I rolled my eyes.

He was making a big deal out of nothing again.

But…it wasn’t really nothing.

And I only realized this a year later,

After reading some books about effective communication.

Today’s sponsor ❤️

There’s a reason 400,000 professionals read this daily.

Join The AI Report, trusted by 400,000+ professionals at Google, Microsoft, and OpenAI. Get daily insights, tools, and strategies to master practical AI skills that drive results.

Sign up now for free and work smarter, not harder.

How ADHD affected my relationships

Over a year ago, I called my boyfriend (now ex).

He wanted more quality time, and I didn’t want to make the 1-2 hour commute.

So we compromised on regular calls.

But I constantly felt distracted, busy, and overwhelmed -

Like I didn’t have time to spend with him.

Even when I did, I’d be distracted thinking about the work I had to do.

I had to take our calls while going on a walk,

Or else I’d get distracted checking my emails or doomscrolling.

It was raining when I took this call.

“Jenn, you need to change your Instagram username,” he told me. “VeganTechNomad is stupid.”

I refused. “I’m not going to change a username I like.”

“If we can’t even work on something like this together, then what are we doing in a relationship?”

He only asked me that because we couldn’t find something to do together that we both enjoyed.

He liked video games.

I liked running.

We compromised on content creation.

So when we had a disagreement,

Or when I inevitably forgot about something we talked about,

It led to the breakup conversation.

But looking back, I realized…

I should’ve used the CPR framework.

The CPR framework in communication

I learned this from a book called Crucial Conversations, so this is my interpretation of it.

CPR refers to the 3 different types of conversations you can have:

C = content conversation, the first time an incident happens (changing my Instagram username)

P = pattern conversation, after an incident happens more than once (having disagreements over what to do together)

R = relationship conversation, after multiple cases of the incident (not enjoying each other’s company, no quality time)

So while I was having a content conversation (“throwing a tantrum over an Instagram username is unreasonable”),

He was having a relationship conversation (“I need quality time, and Jenn is not meeting that need right now because she’s so distracted and forgetful”).

If I knew about this framework earlier, I wouldn’t have been so fixated (and frustrated) about the surface-level content (Instagram username).

Those content conversations made me feel so inadequate, like I was never doing enough.

But it wasn’t about how I was a failure or a “bad girlfriend.”

It was a relationship conversation about uncovering the deeper issue (unmet need of quality time),

So we could work together towards a solution.

Designing systems that work with your ADHD

Now, every week my (new) partner and I do regular relationship check-ins.

Before that, similar issues popped up:

• I was distracted

• I would forget about previous agreements

• I wouldn’t communicate well (didn’t ask questions to better understand his perspective)

So we created a system to improve.

It had to be something that gave me immediate gratification that I enjoyed doing,

And also something that had long-term benefits.

Something like:

• Weekly relationship check-ins (and compliments/deep convos/fun games)

• Nightly compliment videos (I proposed this idea myself to make him feel special 🥰 I enjoy doing these)

• Ask 1 question daily (quality time, also feeds my latest hyperfixation)

• Therapy lol (recovering people pleaser here learning to improve my boundaries)

These habits built up over time to strengthen trust and connection.

I’m still working on my communication skills (sorry to my 200+ unread emails 😭),

But turning my goals into rewarding habits have helped me become a better person day by day.

I encourage you to think about what habits you can set to improve your life too 🫶

Til next Monday,

Jennifer

P.S. I also highly recommend the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage!! It was an interesting read.